Selena Soo built a million-dollar microbusiness around her course on publicity, “Impacting Millions.” Now the veteran publicist is releasing a book, Rich Relationships: Create a Million-Dollar Network for Your Business, to show other entrepreneurs how to build deep relationships that support their goals.
Soo says the idea for the book was 18 years in the making. The Columbia University graduate founded S2 Groupe, a marketing and publicity consultancy focused on small-business clients. She also runs the Impact Accelerator group coaching program. In working with small business owners, she saw that many weren’t building strong relationships that could help them grow their businesses.
“I felt a lot of people didn’t really understand the power of relationship building and how closely it ties to your goals,” she says. “I wanted other people to understand how to create that, how to build, nurture and act toward a million-dollar network,” she says.
Many entrepreneurs dread networking because of the “ick factor” or shyness, but there’s no getting around it: Research shows that strong relationships are necessary for building a healthy business. One recent study found that strong ties with entrepreneurs increase the chances of someone becoming one, while having diverse ties can lead to greater innovation.
“We can feel that we’re connected because we have all these friends on social media, but when we really need to count on our network, we can’t necessarily lean on those contacts,” says Soo. “So we really want to get clear on, ‘Who are our rich relationships?’”
Here is some of the advice she shared on how to build more mutually beneficial connections.
Understand the difference between being intentional versus transactional. There’s nothing wrong with looking to build relationships with people who can help us, according to Soo. That’s different from seeking a quid pro quo.
“We don’t have a million hours in a day, so we’re going to be intentional and purposeful about meeting the people who energize us, excite us, inspire us and that we care about,” she says. “We want to see them when there are synergies and possibilities for mutual support, so we’re going to intentionally pour into those relationships. But just because we’re intentional, it doesn’t mean we’re being transactional.”
Soo, who describes herself as an introvert, has tapped her own experience in building longstanding relationships with high-profile colleagues such as self-help author Marie Forleo, who described her as “a woman you want on your side,” because of her expertise in publicity and marketing in a published testimonial.
Prioritize the relationships that really matter. Based on research she reviewed, Soo believes people can only maintain about 150 active, meaningful relationships. She has classified relationships into circles from one to six, from closest to most distant. She recommends prioritizing Circles One through Three.
“Circle Ones” include your close family, life partner, best friend, and perhaps a trusted therapist or business partner—“the people who do life with you,” she says. “Circle Twos” are treasured connections who would show up for you in your time of need (and vice versa). “Circle Threes” are your active network.
The other three circles can also be part of your network, according to Soo, but should not dominate your calendar. “Circle Four” is your distant connections—people you don’t have the energy or the bandwidth to go deep with right now. “Circle Five” is acquaintances or want to keep your distance from. “Circle Six’” is people you don’t know.
Know why you’re meeting people. Before prioritizing relationships in your network, you need to be able to articulate what your goals and dreams are, according to Soo. “Is it to have a six-figure business? Is it to write a book? Is it to be nomadic and work from anywhere in the world? Is it to achieve a four-day work week? You really want to find other people that have done that,” she says. Once you know your desires for the business, then ask, “Who are the people who are connected to my goals and dreams?” she recommends.
Decide which relationships you want to create. If you’re in early career, a mentor might be important. Later on, you might want to connect with like-minded peers, referral partners, super-connectors who are centers of influence, potential employees, or investors. “Get clear on your goals,” she advises.
Build your personal brand. Many potential connections will want to know who you are before meeting you. Building a strong presence on LinkedIn, Instagram or other social sites can help open doors. “It’s not just about what their elevator pitch is,” says Soo. “It’s more the personal brand that will determine whether a meeting even takes place when people are short on time.”
Nurture connections. Simply connecting on LinkedIn or other social platforms doesn’t necessarily mean you have a strong relationship that you can lean on, Soo says. “If you meet someone at a conference and you don’t talk to them until three years later, there’s only so much you’re going to be able to do, because you haven’t built trust and consistency within that relationship.”
Activate your network. “Sometimes people say, “I have nurtured relationships. I’m a giver. I’m always pouring into people. But when it comes to my own needs, I don’t get support,’” says Soo. “And sometimes people get upset at their network. But a lot of times, it’s that you didn’t know how to ask in the right way.”
Getting support requires a couple of things, according to Soo. One is to have a vision and mention shared synergies. For instance: “I see how we can play big together.” Also consider the timing. It may make sense to save up the favor for when it matters, even if that’s three years from now.
Start your approach with gratitude. With someone who has been a big supporter, you might say, “Thank you for consistently showing up for me in so many ways. I’m so grateful for your sharing my ideas with your incredible audience and being a part of the events I put together,” she recommends.
“What you’re doing is acknowledging that there’s a relationship and you’re showing appreciation for how they’ve showed up,” she says. “You’re reinforcing an identity: We have a relationships, and you’re someone I see as a giver. And I’m grateful for you.”
Ask in a way that makes it easy for someone to say yes. Avoid requesting help or advice in a way that’s forceful or comes with expectations. To avoid the “bulldozer” approach, she suggests an opening gambit like these:
“Hey, I wanted to run an idea by you.”
“This could be a long shot, but let me put this out there. I’m curious what you think.”
“Hey, would you be open to this?”
“I had an idea I wanted to run by you.”
“I’m curious if you would ever consider this.”
Then be specific: “It’s not, ‘I need to figure out what to do with my career,’” says Soo. “It’s: ‘I’m having a hard time in my business, and I have three different ideas to acquire more ideal customers. I would love to get your input on what you think of these ideas. Or ‘Here are three people I’d like to invite to my events. Do you have any idea how I may be able to get in touch with them? If not, no worries at all.’”
Look for ways to make the follow-through easy. For instance, if you would like an introduction, offer to provide a few lines describing who you are that they can tweak. “You want to take work off of people’s plates,” says Soo.
Avoid rushing relationships. Going to a networking event with the expectation of making a big “ask” will likely backfire, according to Soo. Once you’ve made a new connection and asked some questions to get to know them, look for ways to take the relationship one step further, such as gifting them a free ticket to one of your events or inviting them to do a podcast interview with you. Build from there, so you can truly get to know one another, Soo recommends.
“Sometimes when I join entrepreneur communities or masterminds, someone will say, ‘I saw that you just joined our community. You’re a publicity expert and I’m a branding expert. What do you think about getting on the phone so that we can trade clients, or we can send clients each other’s way?’”
“That’s way too much too soon,” says Soo. “It also makes me think that you don’t have discernment because you know nothing about me, but you’re going to start sending people my way. When you rush a relationship, you actually damage it. If you start referring someone who doesn’t follow through on their word, or delivers a shoddy product, it really hurts your reputation.”
Keep in mind that people reveal themselves over time, says Soo. “And there’s no way on day one that you understand the fullness of who someone is. You need time to interact to see if it’s a match to do bigger things.”
Ultimately, she says, taking your time is worth it. “That one rich relationship is more valuable than a hundred casual connections,” she says.
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