Feedback has the power to motivate and improve performance, but it often backfires. Instead of sparking growth, it can trigger defensiveness or lead to silence. Some people soften their words so much that the message gets lost. Others stay quiet entirely, fearing conflict. Introverts often tell me they leave meetings thinking, “I wish I had said something,” because they prefer to process before speaking. Extraverts tend to speak while thinking and later say, “I wish I hadn’t said that.” In both cases, feedback is challenging. Delivering it in a way that is both honest and well-received requires more than good intentions. It demands emotional intelligence, cultural awareness, and a deeper understanding of how people interpret and respond to input.
Why Do People Take Feedback Personally?
People like to think of themselves as rational professionals, but they are human first. Feedback can feel like a threat, especially when it touches on identity or performance. Even well-meaning input can trigger the brain’s defense mechanisms. Individuals become more focused on protecting their ego than listening to the message.
When I interviewed Dr. Albert Bandura, one of the most cited psychologists of all time, he explained that people are driven by a need for self-efficacy. They want to feel capable, respected, and in control of their own actions. When feedback challenges that self-view, it can trigger moral disengagement or avoidance behaviors. Bandura’s research showed that people tend to reframe or rationalize their actions to protect their self-image, even when the facts suggest otherwise. That is why a comment that seems simple to one person can feel like a personal attack to another. It is not just about what is said, but how it threatens the story people tell themselves about who they are.
What Role Do Emotional Intelligence And Curiosity Play In Feedback?
Emotional intelligence involves being aware of your own emotions and recognizing those in others. It helps you choose the right words, notice when someone is shutting down, and pivot when a conversation is not going well. When I interviewed Dr. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, he emphasized that self-awareness is the keystone of emotional intelligence. He explained that we often miss the mark because we are not paying attention to what is going on within us or around us in the moment. Mindfulness, he noted, helps strengthen that internal radar. And without it, people tend to speak from assumption rather than attention.
In my research on curiosity, I found that people often avoid giving or asking for feedback because of fear or assumptions. They assume someone will be upset or that they already know the answer. That internal voice can block the kind of open conversation that leads to growth.
Curiosity changes the dynamic. Instead of delivering a judgment, you are inviting a conversation. A simple shift from “You need to improve your communication” to “I noticed some challenges in how the message was received; what do you think was going on?” can lead to a very different outcome.
How Can Cultural Awareness Improve Feedback Conversations?
In some cultures, directness is valued. In others, indirect communication is the norm. Even within the United States, different regions, industries, and generations interpret tone and body language in different ways. What one person sees as helpful candor, another might experience as harsh criticism.
Being culturally aware means thinking carefully about how your message might be received. When I interviewed Ricardo González, CEO of Bilingual America, he explained that cultural mastery goes beyond basic competence. It is a continuous journey; one that requires self-reflection, adaptability, and empathy. Leaders must move past just knowing historical facts about a group and begin to understand what truly gives people meaning in their daily lives, what they value, celebrate, and believe.
This requires what researchers call cultural metacognition, or cultural mindfulness: the ability to reflect on one’s assumptions and adapt behavior based on how others may interpret the interaction. My own work on perception highlights that this reflection is part of a larger process, what I describe as EPIC: evaluating, predicting, interpreting, and correlating information. Without this deeper awareness, feedback may unintentionally clash with someone’s cultural expectations.
CQ, cultural intelligence, is a skill that, like EQ, can be developed. Leaders who embrace cultural mindfulness, not just as a concept but as a practice, will have more productive conversations across diverse teams. Feedback lands better when it is shaped with an understanding of how someone’s cultural lens may shape their reaction.
When I interviewed Joe Lurie, Executive Director Emeritus of UC Berkeley’s International House and author of Perception and Deception, he emphasized that what we perceive is deeply shaped by what we believe. Misunderstandings often arise not from what is said, but from how it is interpreted across cultural and perceptual filters. That is why curiosity and cultural mindfulness are so important. Feedback not only delivers information. Feedback is about connecting in a way that resonates.
What Feedback Prompt Can I Use To Start A Constructive Conversation?
Feedback does not have to come as a surprise. In fact, it works best when it feels like part of an ongoing dialogue rather than a sudden performance review. A good starting point sounds less like a warning and more like an invitation. One way to begin is: “I had a thought about something I noticed. Would now be a good time to share it?” This approach gives the other person a moment to prepare mentally without suggesting they can opt out of the conversation entirely. It also signals respect and consideration, setting the tone for a more productive exchange.
What If I Need To Give Feedback On Something That Really Frustrated Me?
If you need to give feedback on something that genuinely frustrated you, begin by calming your own emotions so that the conversation stays productive rather than reactive. Instead of venting, shift your goal to improving the outcome. One way to start is with, “I want to make sure we can collaborate effectively. Can we talk about what happened during [specific situation]?” Focus on the behavior, not the person. Rather than saying, “You were unprofessional,” say, “During the presentation, it seemed like we were not on the same page, and that caused confusion for the client.” Then invite reflection by asking, “What was your take on how that went?” This helps create space for a more open and constructive dialogue.
How Do I Handle Feedback When I Know The Person Will Be Defensive?
If you know someone may become defensive, it helps to approach the conversation with care while still being clear. Acknowledge their strengths and frame your intention around shared success. You might say, “You contribute a lot to this team, and I wanted to share something that could help us work even better together.” From there, focus on the impact rather than the intent. For example, say, “When the deadline passed, it created a domino effect that put a lot of pressure on the rest of the team,” instead of, “You missed the deadline again.” Then invite collaboration with a question like, “What can we do differently to avoid that in the future?”
What Should I Say When Giving Positive Feedback That Does Not Feel Generic?
Positive feedback is just as important as critical feedback, but it often lacks the specificity that makes it useful. Saying “Great job” may sound encouraging, but it does not tell the person what they did well or what to continue doing. A better approach is to recognize the specific action and explain why it mattered. For example, you might say, “I want to acknowledge how you handled the client meeting. The way you paused to ask clarifying questions showed real attention to detail and helped us avoid extra work later.” This kind of feedback reinforces effective behavior, builds confidence, and creates clarity about what success looks like.
What Happens When You Get Feedback Wrong?
It is okay to miss the mark. If it becomes clear that your feedback caused unintended harm, take responsibility and make space for clarification. You might say, “I’ve been thinking about our conversation earlier, and I am concerned that what I said may not have come across the way I intended. Can I clarify?” Taking accountability in this way supports psychological safety and signals that you are open to learning and improving the dialogue.
Why Feedback Is A Skill Worth Practicing
Constructive conversations rely on trust, empathy, and a shared commitment to improvement. Feedback is most effective when it is specific, thoughtful, and rooted in curiosity. It helps clarify expectations, uncover blind spots, and strengthen working relationships. Rather than viewing it as a risk to avoid, it helps to treat feedback as a responsibility that builds a healthier culture over time.
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