Hylke Faber, CEO and Coach at Growth Leaders Network & award-winning author of Taming Your Crocodiles: Unlearn Fear & Become a True Leader.
Vincent hadn’t said anything. Yet everyone on the team seemed to know he was upset with Harry for having cut him off mid-sentence; Harry had a habit of doing it, especially in tense situations.
In moments like this, it’s helpful to pause and regulate our feelings. “Just sit there until your internal dust settles” is a great mantra to regulate difficult emotions and thoughts.
Yet, I think it is incomplete. Many tend to confuse self-regulation with denial. “Oh, I am fine,” Vincent responds later when asked how he is. I have said the same to my husband when I am upset. Fortunately, he usually challenges me: “How do you really feel?”
When self-regulation turns into denial, inner turmoil ensues. We lose touch with our wise core. We are no longer present. We get lost on the hamster wheel of anxious thoughts and emotions, spinning faster and faster.
This can obscure our vision. We become unreasonable without knowing it. We lash out, and we create drama in other ways. We shut down. Leadership requires not only strategic thinking but also emotional intelligence to recognize when we are in a spiral of denial.
The 7-D Denial Spiral
After noticing this downward denial spiral often within business settings, I decided to spell it out. I see the denial spiral consisting of seven stages, each with progressively greater emotional intensity.
But it’s important to note that we don’t always go through all stages. Using our example of Vincent again, see what stages you recognize. I believe being aware is a doorway to stepping out of a destructive pattern.
1. Distress
Vincent was upset. We knew it, and he knew it.
2. Deny
Yet he denied it. He reflected later: “I didn’t want to be upset. I value peace and harmony on the team. I was not going to disrupt the flow.” We can hear his wisdom of taking personal responsibility for his feelings.
At the same time, he is putting on a mask. By claiming he is fine, he is being inauthentic. This has an impact. Now an elephant, something important we can’t discuss, has entered the room.
3. Sorrow
We are sensitive beings. When we are not 100% honest, something within us registers and recoils. Dishonesty adds insult to injury. We know we are stressed, yet we tell ourselves we shouldn’t be. This is a form of self-punishment. Denial feeds inner turmoil. Our inner turmoil can then become untenable and turn into despair.
4. Demand
As our anxiety becomes more intense, being with ourselves becomes harder. Our inner landscape can turn into a war zone: “He shouldn’t have cut you off. You shouldn’t be upset. Now the team will fall apart. We are never going to be able to collaborate effectively. You shouldn’t be stressed out.”
Our anxious energy feeds on itself and our destructive thinking loops faster and faster. We get trapped and isolated inside our inner turmoil. We become rigid. It becomes harder to deal with our inner turmoil, so our anxious mind starts to look for external fixes. We demand that others make us feel better immediately.
We can see it on Vincent’s face. His eyes become dull, his jaw tense. Harry speaks up: “I sense, Vincent, I may have offended you. I am sorry. Can you tell me what I can do to repair the damage?”
Vincent shoots back: “Now you ask me. Stop analyzing me. I am ending this meeting right now.” Tensions have shot up in the room. Now what?
5. Demean
Harry tries again: “I am sorry you feel this way,” but “Vincent cuts Harry off midsentence: “I don’t believe you, Harry, you are only saying this, so you feel better.”
Making others wrong is part of the next stage of the denial spiral. They are not complying with our demands, so we judge them, often harshly.
6. Deny Again
The team takes a break. Sally, Vincent’s friend, asks: “Vincent, are you OK?” Vincent looks the other way: “Oh, I am fine.”
We often pressure ourselves to always be okay. There is a taboo on admitting that we are not. Unfortunately, this only makes us disconnected from ourselves and others when we stay in denial.
7. Destroy
Vincent was not OK. He eventually told Sally: “I am going to leave the team. I just can’t stand being with you all anymore. You guys are hypocrites.” He had entered the final stage of the downward spiral: Destruction. His anxious energy had to go somewhere, so he became even more aggressive.
Breaking The Spiral
How do we break this pattern? The first thing is to recognize we are in it. This is hard. We tend to believe we need to always be ok. If we are not, we believe we are failing, and we should hide this.
Admitting our denial, we come out of hiding. We face ourselves: “Yes, I am feeling bad, and denying only makes it worse.”
Then we can practice breathing and self-talk. I find this sequence helpful: Breathe, embrace, accept, choose, higher intelligence (BEACH).
1. Breathe: Take a deep, belly breath to calm yourself.
2. Embrace: Give yourself an inner hug, saying: “Even though I feel stressed, I am here for me.”
3. Accept: Acknowledge you are stressed. Accept it deeply. Then, acknowledge your feelings to others: “I am not feeling good.”
4. Choose: Make a conscious choice to work with your stress and be open to a bigger perspective.
5. Higher intelligence: Listen to that quiet, wise voice inside of us tell us what we are really concerned about. We share this with honesty and respect.
Try it out
In leadership roles, the stakes are high, and the temptation to suppress emotions for the sake of maintaining control is strong. But the next time you find yourself on the denial spiral, remember the avenues to opening to higher intelligence.
Create space around the discomfort. Often, the most courageous step is acknowledging we are stuck.
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