Sarah Noll Wilson, president of SNW Inc., is an executive coach and author focused on making work better for humans.
Feedback is one of the most powerful tools for growth, yet it can also be one of the hardest things to receive. Many of us say we “like feedback,” but the real test comes when that input is unexpected or uncomfortable.
I find that growth only happens when we go beyond simply saying, “I like feedback” and start asking, “When do I find myself resistant to feedback, and how can I become more open?”
To navigate this, it can help to look at feedback through the lens of deflection versus reflection—and to understand why our brains sometimes make things like critiques and suggestions feel so uncomfortable.
Recognize That Reacting To Feedback Is Normal
Don’t criticize yourself for feeling defensive. But do understand that it’s natural and driven by your brain’s protection mechanisms.
When we receive critical feedback, our brain’s amygdala kicks in to protect us. The amygdala acts like an internal alarm, scanning for threats. While feedback isn’t a physical threat, it can feel like one—especially if it challenges how we see ourselves. This triggers our fight-or-flight response, causing defensiveness, dismissiveness, or emotional shutdown.
Recognizing this as normal allows us to pause, breathe, and approach the feedback with a clearer mind. If you feel yourself reacting, ask, “What is my brain trying to protect me from?” When we recognize this response for what it is, we can shift from deflection to reflection.
Identify When You Tend To Deflect Feedback
Don’t assume you’re always open to feedback. It’s important to be aware of when you’re more likely to deflect.
For example, it’s harder to receive feedback when we feel misunderstood, rushed or under stress. Think about how you might deflect feedback when you feel it’s unfair or when it comes from someone you don’t fully trust.
Reflect on your recent experiences with feedback. Did you find yourself justifying, explaining or dismissing it? Recognizing your own patterns can help you notice when deflection is happening, giving you a chance to shift gears.
Eat The Chicken And Spit Out The Bones
Don’t assume all feedback is fully relevant. Like eating the chicken but leaving behind the bones, you need to find what’s useful and leave the rest behind.
Feedback is rarely 100% accurate or 100% off-base. It’s often a mix. Maybe the message is helpful, but the delivery feels unfair, or the language is off.
When you hear feedback, ask yourself, “What’s useful here, and what isn’t?” This approach allows you to walk away with the insights you need to grow without being weighed down by unnecessary “bones.”
Recognize Patterns In Feedback
Don’t outright dismiss recurring feedback, but do look for patterns.
If you hear the same feedback from multiple people or in different contexts, it’s not a coincidence—it’s a signal. For instance, if you’ve heard, “You need to delegate more,” from multiple people, this might highlight where you have the most potential for growth.
Take a moment to reflect on the feedback you’ve received in the past six months. Have similar themes come up? Are there repeated suggestions about how you manage, communicate, or prioritize? Patterns can help give you a roadmap for where you might need to evolve.
Catch Your Passive Acceptance
Don’t just nod along to be polite but actively reflect when receiving feedback.
Passive acceptance—nodding without really engaging—can seem polite, but it doesn’t lead to growth. Real reflection means asking questions, seeking clarification and actively thinking about how the feedback could be useful.
Instead of silently nodding, ask something like “what would you like to see me do differently?” This invites dialogue and turns feedback from a monologue into a conversation. It also shows the feedback-giver that you value their insight and want to use it to grow.
Look Out For Potential Bias In Feedback
When it comes to potential bias, you want to recognize it, challenge it and extract what’s useful.
Feedback isn’t always objective. Identity-based feedback—like “soften your tone” or “be less direct”—is often tied to gender, race or other identities. Women are frequently labeled “too direct” for behavior seen as “assertive” in men. Black women, in particular, are often unfairly described as “aggressive” for advocating in ways others are praised for.
If feedback feels biased, ask for specifics: “Can you share an example of when you observed this?”
If you spot a pattern (like repeated tone policing), it may be time for a conversation: “I’ve been reflecting on the feedback I’ve received lately. I’d like to explore how this expectation is applied across the team so I can be clear on what’s expected of me.”
You don’t have to carry this alone. Self-compassion matters. Seek support from mentors and trusted managers. Most importantly, remember that sometimes the system needs to change—not you.
Commit To Action
Deflection versus reflection should not be a one-time choice—make it a habit. Real growth happens when we take small, consistent actions based on feedback. One helpful way to practice is to set a micro-goal after each feedback conversation. This could be as simple as telling yourself, “Next time, I’ll pause and breathe before responding.”
Committing to small shifts over time is much more effective than trying to make one big change all at once. It also signals to your team that you’re serious about growth, which helps create a culture of feedback—not fear. When people see you growing from feedback, they’re more likely to do the same.
Final Thoughts
In my experience, moving from deflection to reflection requires awareness, intention and patience. Your first instinct might be to explain, justify or dismiss. But with practice, you can recognize that reaction, pause and approach the feedback with a more thoughtful lens.
Here’s the bottom line: Feedback isn’t just about receiving information or taking action—it’s an opportunity to show others that their experience is safe with you. When we demonstrate curiosity and openness, we build trust and create stronger relationships. This is how feedback turns into growth, not just for you but for your whole team.
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