Nik Ershov is the founder of Waverox, a mind tracker and wellness app that helps you to gain productivity and combat stress.
In every workplace, family and social circle, there exists a particular type of challenge that defies conventional wisdom about conflict resolution. It’s the colleague whose minor disagreements invariably escalate into departmental crises. The family member who transforms holiday planning into emotional warfare. The neighbor whose property disputes require legal intervention rather than friendly conversation.
As social media amplifies conflicts and remote work complicates communication, the ability to recognize and navigate high-conflict personalities can mean the difference between professional success and career derailment. It can be the difference between peaceful relationships and constant turmoil.
Yet this understanding requires more than simple recognition. It demands a fundamental shift in how we approach conflict itself. The traditional tools of resolution—open communication, mutual compromise, emotional honesty—often backfire when applied to high-conflict situations. What works in normal disagreements can escalate tensions with high-conflict personalities, creating a cycle of intensifying drama that leaves everyone exhausted and nothing resolved.
Inspired by the research of Bill Eddy—a lawyer, licensed therapist, professional mediator, and faculty member at the Pepperdine University School of Law, I decided to dive deep into understanding these high-conflict dynamics.
Understanding High-Conflict Personalities
In his book High Conflict People In Legal Disputes, which was previously published as High Conflict Personalities: Understanding and Resolving Their Costly Disputes, Eddy says traditional conflict resolution fails because it misunderstands their fundamental motivation. Standard approaches assume all parties share a desire for resolution, but high-conflict personalities often seek the conflict itself. They resist compromise not because they can’t see solutions but because the resolution would deprive them of something they value more: the identity and purpose that conflict provides.
Eddy’s book is written primarily for those in the legal profession, but many of the insights about a high-conflict individual can apply to those in other industries. The blame pattern serves as their most reliable identifier. While most people occasionally blame others, high-conflict personalities exhibit an almost reflexive attribution of all problems to external sources. This pattern persists across different situations and relationships, creating a consistent narrative of persecution or righteousness that resists evidence or logic.
What Not To Do
The most natural responses to high-conflict behavior often prove counterproductive. Consider a seasoned manager encountering a high-conflict team member. His instinct—to have a heart-to-heart conversation about how their behavior affected others—has the potential to backfire spectacularly. What was intended as constructive feedback can be interpreted as a personal attack, leading to a cascade of complaints that ultimately required HR intervention.
Attempt To Provide Insight
Attempting to provide insight to high-conflict individuals typically escalates rather than resolves situations. These conversations, however well-intentioned, feed into their narrative of persecution or misunderstanding. The more you try to help them see their role in conflicts, the more convinced they become of their victimhood or righteousness.
Argue About Past Events
Arguments about past events prove equally futile. High-conflict personalities often maintain detailed grievance histories, but their recollections tend to be highly selective, emphasizing their victimhood while minimizing their contributions to conflicts. Attempting to correct their version of events only entrenches their position and escalates tension.
Match Emotional Intensity
Matching their emotional intensity represents another common mistake. When faced with dramatic accusations or emotional outbursts, many people feel compelled to respond with equal force. Yet this emotional matching merely validates the high-conflict person’s perspective that the situation warrants such intensity. It transforms professional disagreements into personal vendettas.
Use Blame Language
Using blame language, even when justified, inevitably backfires. High-conflict personalities are exquisitely sensitive to criticism, perceiving even constructive feedback as hostile attacks. Their defensive responses often trigger chain reactions of escalating blame, drawing others into their conflict narrative.
Be Inconsistent
Perhaps most damaging is the tendency toward inconsistent responses. Many people oscillate between strict boundaries and permissive accommodation, hoping to find the right balance. This inconsistency actually reinforces problematic behavior by creating uncertainty about limits and consequences.
The BIFF Response Method
When faced with a high-conflict person’s emotional outburst or accusatory email, respond using the BIFF approach: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. For example, if you receive a lengthy, emotionally charged email accusing you of sabotaging a project, your response might be: “Thanks for bringing this to my attention. The project deadline is March 15th. I’ve attached the current timeline and resources. Let me know if you need anything else.”
Managing Daily Interactions
Professional distance serves as your primary protection. Think of yourself as a weather reporter describing conditions rather than someone caught in the storm. When a high-conflict person launches into their latest crisis, respond with neutral acknowledgment rather than emotional engagement: “I hear this situation is frustrating. What’s your next step?”
Documentation Without Drama
Create records without escalating tensions. After verbal conversations, send brief email summaries: “Following up on our discussion about the Johnson project. As discussed, you’ll handle the client presentation while I prepare the financial reports. Timeline remains end of month.” This builds a paper trail while maintaining professional momentum.
Setting Boundaries
Establish limits through systems rather than confrontations. Instead of telling a high-conflict person they talk too much, implement structured meeting formats with clear agendas and time limits. Rather than arguing about their frequent interruptions, establish team communication protocols that apply to everyone.
The Personal Dynamic
For personal relationships, especially family situations, create what therapists call “limited contact” protocols. Choose specific channels for necessary communication (like a co-parenting app), designate certain topics as off-limits and establish time boundaries for interactions. Treat these boundaries like physical laws rather than negotiable preferences.
Emotional Management
Think of emotional reactions as valuable data rather than directives for action. When you feel yourself getting triggered, use this as information about boundaries you need to strengthen rather than fuel for confrontation. Take notes on your emotional responses to identify patterns and prepare better strategies.
When Crisis Hits
High-conflict people often manufacture crises to regain control. Respond to urgency with steady pacing. Use phrases like “I’ll need to review this and get back to you” rather than rushing to meet their demanded timelines. Create space between their crisis and your response.
Remember: These approaches work not because they change the high-conflict person but because they help you maintain professional effectiveness while protecting your own well-being.
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